Note to Self;

Always smile and be appreciative of being able to say "I'm well, thank you!" because not everyone can say that honestly. It's a gift to have the conditions true in your life that allow you to be well. =)

Epiphany?

I've come to some kind of a realization tonight. It came from another conversation with LC. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: that's actually something that I worry about
LC: being honest?
Me: whether or not I seem honest to others...
LC: your mood fluctuates a bit but you're a good person, and I totally understand, it can't be controlled
Me: I don't feel human sometimes, and sometimes I don't know which me is the real me :(
LC: both is real, that's just you, nothing to be ashamed of
Me: I really struggle with this too.. I've been on birth control now for so long (for medical reasons) and it's hormones... it regulates my mood to an extent. Look what happened when I went off them. I'm always gunna have to be on hormones. Is the real me gone?
LC: this is a funny question... a person with cancer got an operation to have the tumour removed... is the real he gone??
Me: something that probably largely defined him is gone.. so he's definately different
LC: but different can be good or bad
Me: different for me is good; but at the same time this is why I don't feel human. I know I'm controlled and regulated by it. I'm not capable of making healthy decisions on my own independant of the medication.
LC: Well let me put it this way.... whichever makes you happier is the real you.
Me: I haven't been happy in a long time... like since I was a child... and even then, I dunno... it's been a long time.
LC: Doesn't mean you'll never find happiness again. The rainbow only shows up after the storm. Think positive.
Me: maybe this is why I'm antisocial. Being happy would be a change.
LC: and it's a good change.. you need more friends..
Me: but it's a change... it's unknown... I don't understand it...
LC: it is unknown... but there's only 2 outcomes.. you either become happy or you become unhappy again... so why not? Trying doesn't guarantee success, but not trying means you won't succeed. You don't think it's worth a little effort and be happy?? It's precious.
Me: I dunno what it's worth
LC: Maybe you haven't experienced it for too long; you forgot. But it's worth it.

Everytime I seem to make any personal growth, it's because of this person. Once again, thank you <3!

This is the kind of stuff I want to work on while I'm single. In my opinion, if you're not a strong, independant person when you're single, being in a relationship won't solve that problem effectively. When I can solve issues like this and become my own person... I can tell I'll be amazing. Strong. Directed. Passionate. Beautiful [thanks to LC again for getting me to realize this!!!]. A great human being. It's just a case of getting there. :)