University, Life, Asia.

Well, it's been a long time since I wrote here.  I seem to come back here every once in a while, when I've come across some truth in life that I want to keep track of.

 

Quick update as to what's gone on with my life lately:

I've finished my university courses recently.  I graduate later this week.  I'm moving to Asia, to South Korea, to be more precise.  I'm in the process of getting paperwork and documentation ready for the visa application process.

 

Now a bit about what all this has taught me:

The importance of my family has increased dramatically.  Maybe this is one of those 'you don't realize what you've got until it's gone' things, except changed slightly to be 'you don't realize what you've got until you know you won't have it soon.'  I've spent a lot of time visiting various family members and continue to make plans to see everyone as much as possible before I leave.  My family seems to appreciate me more in return, too, and are making their best efforts to see me before I go.  I just wish that it was this way all the time and not just because they know I'm leaving.  I'm trying to help M.M. realize this, albeit with little luck.  I do understand that life is busy though and that family members can't always go out of their way to see each other, especially when everyone seems to have different (work) schedules... but yeah, family is important.

I believe one should make their dreams come true, do what makes one happy and relaxed and achieve one's goals.  When I spent 5 days with my mother, I saw how stressed she is and how little she enjoys life as of late.  In response to this, I tried to make her spend some time each day with me in a way so that she could be happy or relaxed.  Sometimes it was spending half an hour on the patio area drinking coffee, going for an afternoon out of town, or eating dinner at the TV and actually interacting rather than boring herself with TV.  I'm sure this sounds simple to any reader out there, but honestly it is so easy to get sucked into technology and it's conveniences and not enjoying real life for what it is.  Another example of this belief comes from having less expendable cash.  Rather than spending money on things like Starbucks or dinners out, I'm working to only spend on things I truly desire.  I just spent three days at G.P.'s place in Michigan and even though our visit was short, I felt able to escape the hectic business that goes on in daily life and just enjoy actual life for those three days.  We went fishing - something I had never done before.  It has been a long time since I felt the way I did there in Michigan, and I needed that break.  Money well spent.

Someone recently said to me a common phrase: "the less you want, the happier you are."  I must beg to differ from this anecdote about life as I recently came to interpret it in a very different manner.  Sure, the less material things you want in life the happier you may be.  However, the more you want (as in, the more you desire, crave, have passion for something, etc.), the more alive you are and the happier you are at your place in life.  Your place in life may mean you are no longer in a rut and you finally have passion for something again or it may mean you are in a place where you can achieve something that you desire (or something entirely different!)  In any case, I have come to believe that the more that you do the action of wanting something, the happier you are because you have drive (for something). 

I am coming to believe that there is no logical explanation of why you want something you truly desire.  Why would I love to indulge in a café macchiato right now?  Because it tastes good.  Why do I want to go to Asia?  I can describe the financial, work experience, personal experience and travel benefits of moving to Asia, but those are just benefits.  Why I actually want to pick up and move half way around the world is much more complicated and possibly impossible to describe. I could tell you of the cultural aspects of Korea that I want to experience, but my reasons for wanting to experience this (very different) culture is simply because I want to do so. 

"Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. It's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation." - Liz Gilbert, Eat Pray Love.  

The above quote hits hard every time I see Eat Pray Love and I'm beginning to see why.  I used to hate my father intensely for what happened after my parents divorce.  He ruined my family and hurt everyone.  Now, though, I have come to respect his decision.  That man knew what he wanted and went after it despite the costs. In the end, everyone seems to be happier and although I wish I could have that conventional family back, what I have with my parents and siblings works for us.  This shift in our family has been very difficult but everyone has grown and learned about themselves because of it.  Let me put this quote into a perspective more directly related to my own life:

My four years in university have been... hmm... let's just say that on a personal level, I've gotten much less out of my university days than what most people do.  I have had the privilege to experience some great things and places but on a day to day basis, I was less than happy and overall was "in a rut" for most of the time.  [Thankfully, though, I have had sufficient support to get through these often difficult times: friends with a lot of patience who were able to wait it out with me until now when I am able to see what they were trying to tell me the whole time!  Thanks to E.N.L., V.A., G.P., B.S.W., B.B., K.H., P.M., G.M., J.W., G.S., and all others who have helped me through.]

Now that I have come through this difficult time, I feel like I am ready to take the world on.  My drive to get over to Asia is insatiable despite knowing there are challenges which await me of which I cannot conceive at this time and knowing there are great costs, such as being away from my dearest nephew, other family members as well as my friends. University was my ruin.  Right now, this is my transformation.  It may lead once again to ruin and heartbreak, homesickness, who knows!... but life must consist of (at least some) changes and not constantly be the same.  I finally have passion for life such as my goals and desires, and I WILL achieve them.  Just watch me!

The Beginning of a Long Road to Self Discovery

One of the things I've learned in the past year, which I strongly believe in, is the following:
To proceed in life, whether it be life it's self, friendship, romantic love, your career, or anything else, is that you need to either know or be on the path to discovering any/all of these things:

• Who you are
• Your goals
• Your passions and desires
  
• What your strengths and weaknesses are
  
• What you like and what you dislike
  

These things should be realized independant of others as much as possible, so that you know for yourself that they are TRULY YOUR OWN values, not clouded by other's opinions or beliefs. I believe that it is especially important to know these things before entering into a romantic relationship. Having recently entered into a romantic relationship without knowing any of these things made step back for a moment to look at my life and evaluate.

What I see in myself right now is this:

• I don't know the above listed items about myself, and I don't even know if I know how to get on track to knowing them. The past few months have been very difficult for me physically and emotionally, and it is reasonable to expect me to take some time to get on track with this important value in life, and I'm ready to start trying again.
• The relationship I am in right now is important to me, but it is long distance. Both parties know that this can only go so far through the internet. I feel that I am ready emotionally and mentally for a relationship but I am not ready overall. This is a positive step for me, as it puts me into a place where I can self discover and eventually get to *my ideal place* without being too tied down yet still getting the intimacy and companionship involved in a relationship that I want right now.
• Looking back just over a year ago, I did have many of these things in place or at least in process, however it was with help. If you knew me one year ago, I was in a relationship and obtaining values that I still believe in, but they were not self discovered. I had my ex, who is still a good friend of mine, helping me to realize these values. Where I am now is the exact opposite. I know none of these things and I don't know how I'm going to get where I want to be.

The good news is...
THIS IS WHAT I WANT.
Not knowing these things and not knowing how I'm going to get there but being in a position where I can realize myself, goals, passions, desires, strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes ON MY OWN is in fact what I want! This gives me the chance to be the "Amazing, Strong, Directed, Passionate, Beautiful, and great human being" that I spoke about in my first post.

It's as if last year, I was on the path to these discoveries by being dumped into the ocean but being on a boat. I had the support that I wanted which helped make it easier, but I was headed in a particular direction not of my choosing. If I had kept on with this, I would have ended up in the ideal place of another.
This year, I'm dumped into the ocean on my own. There are SO many directions I could head to, so many waves that I could follow. There will be sharks that bite and there will be times that it will be difficult to keep swimming. I may find that I've headed the wrong way and I want to switch directions. It may take time to figure out which direction I need to swim towards to get to my paradise, but once I get there, I will find my treasure... my own self.

Without knowing it, I've been arming myself for this journey ahead of time throughout the past week. I'm eating healthily and regularily. I've been sleeping at [more] normal hours and getting plenty of sleep. I've taken time to myself when I need it, in whatever means necessary. I've taken myself out of negative situations and also realized future events that I am looking forward to in the coming months. I don't know what life is going to throw at me, but... I think... I'm ready to tackle the things discussed in this blog post, and I know how to get what I need to get me through anything that may come my way.

I'm happy that I've come this far and I'm very proud of myself for getting through the difficulties I've faced over the past few months. I feel like today has brought me personal growth, and nothing could be more satisfying for me right now than just that. I feel that this is real life. I see true beauty in both the journey I'm going through, and more importantly, I see this in myself as well.

Being able to say "I believe that I am truly beautiful" is a strength in it's self. Not everyone can do that, and I am grateful that I am capable of doing so. Thank you to everyone who has helped me to get where I am. Your love, friendship and support has been outstanding, and it is well appreciated. [<3 Deeva, Bronwyn, LC-sama, Vij, and last but certainly not least, Mech-san <3]

Note to Self;

Always smile and be appreciative of being able to say "I'm well, thank you!" because not everyone can say that honestly. It's a gift to have the conditions true in your life that allow you to be well. =)

Epiphany?

I've come to some kind of a realization tonight. It came from another conversation with LC. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: that's actually something that I worry about
LC: being honest?
Me: whether or not I seem honest to others...
LC: your mood fluctuates a bit but you're a good person, and I totally understand, it can't be controlled
Me: I don't feel human sometimes, and sometimes I don't know which me is the real me :(
LC: both is real, that's just you, nothing to be ashamed of
Me: I really struggle with this too.. I've been on birth control now for so long (for medical reasons) and it's hormones... it regulates my mood to an extent. Look what happened when I went off them. I'm always gunna have to be on hormones. Is the real me gone?
LC: this is a funny question... a person with cancer got an operation to have the tumour removed... is the real he gone??
Me: something that probably largely defined him is gone.. so he's definately different
LC: but different can be good or bad
Me: different for me is good; but at the same time this is why I don't feel human. I know I'm controlled and regulated by it. I'm not capable of making healthy decisions on my own independant of the medication.
LC: Well let me put it this way.... whichever makes you happier is the real you.
Me: I haven't been happy in a long time... like since I was a child... and even then, I dunno... it's been a long time.
LC: Doesn't mean you'll never find happiness again. The rainbow only shows up after the storm. Think positive.
Me: maybe this is why I'm antisocial. Being happy would be a change.
LC: and it's a good change.. you need more friends..
Me: but it's a change... it's unknown... I don't understand it...
LC: it is unknown... but there's only 2 outcomes.. you either become happy or you become unhappy again... so why not? Trying doesn't guarantee success, but not trying means you won't succeed. You don't think it's worth a little effort and be happy?? It's precious.
Me: I dunno what it's worth
LC: Maybe you haven't experienced it for too long; you forgot. But it's worth it.

Everytime I seem to make any personal growth, it's because of this person. Once again, thank you <3!

This is the kind of stuff I want to work on while I'm single. In my opinion, if you're not a strong, independant person when you're single, being in a relationship won't solve that problem effectively. When I can solve issues like this and become my own person... I can tell I'll be amazing. Strong. Directed. Passionate. Beautiful [thanks to LC again for getting me to realize this!!!]. A great human being. It's just a case of getting there. :)